Harry Potter and That Thing, You Know, That Thing
by Barthalomew Allan Baxter VIIII
Summary: A humorous splurge into the fantastical world of Harry Potter. We parodize every aspect of the books, from Sirius teaching potions, to Percy writing letter.
1. Sirius Teaches Potions Instead Of Snape

**Chapter One**

**Sirius...teaches Potions...instead of Snape**

**A/N: Be sure to read aloud with funny Monty Python accents. Otherwise, it won't be as awesome. Thanks- BAB 9**

One day Dumbledore decided to give Snape some time off to go to the beauty parlor to get his hair cleaned and his eyebrows waxed. For a sub, Dumbledore chose Sirius. This was the day that Sirius...teaches potions...instead of Snape.

Sirius (Professor Black) carefully planned a lesson plan. He cleaned his finest all black robes and combed his hair. He even brushed his teeth, something he hadn't done in many-a-moon. He left that fine Snape-free morning and headed towards Hogwarts.

Once in the Potions Dungeon, Sirius decorated with bright pink flowers. He thought it gave the dungeon a very sophisticated look. And plus, everyone knows Snape loves the color pink.

He waited eagerly as the Syltherins and Gryffindors all filed in and took their seats.

"Hello dumplings!" Sirius cried. "I'm Professor Black, but you must call me…Professor Black!"

The class is dumbfounded.

"Where is Professor Snape?" Draco Malfoy asked.

"Uh…12 points from Syltherin, for…asking stupid questions."

"12 points? No one ever takes away 12 points!"

"That's 38 more points, Dracula."

"It's Draco, sir."

"YOU MUST CALL ME PROFESSOR BLACK!"

At this point, Harry and Ronald run in, breathless, and very late…to class.

"HARRY! You're late! You know that being late is quite against the rules!" Black growled.

"I know, but I-" Harry began.

"That's it. 27 points from Syltherin!" Sirius yelled.

"WHAT?" cried all the Syltherins and Gryffindors alike?

"WATER?" cried Neville Longbottom.

It was obvious- Professor Black is most awesome.

Snape was gone for more than a little bit of time. In fact, it was rumor around the castle that Snape had such horrible eyebrows that the salon had to wax them hair-by-hair, and that's why he was gone so long. Dumbledore started this rumor.

However it was much a joyous occasion, since Professor Black was still professor-ing. It was so one fine Tuesday morn.

"So, as I said before, piglets, if you add the hair of a shuffledof with the tooth of a grizzletoe, you get a mighty fine mix of serum brew," he explained happily.

"You've said that before, but what does it do?" Draco asked.

"So, as I said before, cupcakes, if you add the hair of a shuffledof with the tooth of a grizzletoe, you get a mighty fine mix of serum brew," he said again, ignoring Draco.

"You've told us that, but what is the serum brew used for?" asked Pansy.

"Well, Miss Pugface, if you turn in your books to page 9,845, you will get a clear explanation. And an answer to your question."

"Professor Black," stammered Neville, "Our textbooks only go to page 394."

"Well!" said Sirius, flamboyantly, "Someone has obviously ripped out the remaining 9,451 pages. And Crabbe and Goyle…Please stop flirting in my classroom." Crabbe and Goyle blushed furiously and stopped flirting immediately. Ronald Weasley raised his hand.

"Professor, will you give the Gryffindors some more points?"

"Why certainly, my young hedgehog! 50 points to Gryffindor!"

"Will you give the Syltherins some more points too?" Malfoy asked hopefully.

"Where on the great green earth would you get an idea I would do something as preposterous as that! 70 points from Syltherin."

The Syltherins groaned and mumbled, "That's not fair" underneath their breath. Sirius cleared his throat.

"Well, we've still got an hour left of class…so…class dismissed!"

**Look forward to upcoming chapters:**

Ronald Weasley Becomes Amish Letters from Percy 

**Snape's Living Room…More like Dead Room**

**Harry Confesses His Feelings for Ron**

**Sirius…Teaches Potions…Instead of Snape…Again**


	2. Letters From Percy

Chapter Two 

**Letters From Percy**

**A/N: Ok…sorry it's taken longer than originally expected to finish up. I'm glad everyone loved the first chapter so much! I regret to admit that this one doesn't even touch Sirius teaching potions. Don't worry, though- Professor Black will be back! To every who commented, thank you so much! And a special thanks to those who told us which parts they liked best. That will help in chapters to come. Anyways, away with letters from Percy:**

Dearest Brother Fredrick:

This is a correspondence in regards to your ghastly behaviors at the dinner party held by Brutus Fortenbrow last eve. As if it was not enough outlandish that you arrived sporting a mexican funeral cloak, you then proceeded to fling vacant bottles of Pourfindel at Mrs. Sanderson's head.

As you know, I am now in a very respectable position. As Secondary Assistant Secretary to one of the Assistant Secretarial Assistants to the Minister of Magic. It would be quite demoralizing to my extremely honorable job if the Ministry were to find out that I was in any way related to someone of your mannerisms. Therefore, I am sending you this dispatch with a few directives that will, shall we say, clear up some misgrievances and facilitate the keeping of my job. Follow these instructions, and you are free to act as childish as you wish:

Color your hair. People as a whole see a redhead and immediately think "Look, there's a Weasley." Preferably black, though I do supposed brown would be suitable as well.

Move to France. I know that there aren't any Weasley's currently living in that part of Europe, so no one in that area would recognize you for who you really are.

Last, and most importantly, change your name from "Weasley" to "Weasly." Obviously, this would assist you in your full identity change.

Please contact me when you have taken the measures, as previously noted in the aforementioned paragraph, required to distance our relationship. After that, do not feel the need to contact me ever again.

-I Remain

Dearest Percy

**Look forward to upcoming chapters:**

**Ronald Weasley Becomes Amish**

**Snape's Living Room…More Like Dead Room**

**Harry Confesses His Feelings For Ron**

**Professor Lupin Goes Into The Film Industry**


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